On a Wednesday 28th Jan... Upon the invitation of my friend... i went to this fated place everytime i go there i always get inspired to write something about it cos its the place where so many things in my life have crossed paths with it not just physically but mentally verbally literally culturally especially argumentatively... the place where dreams are made of... for some people... and then there is this song... the song that i cannot say i derserve to put it up on my blog but nevertheless i will as part of this exposition on life...

OCS SONG

We come from many places,
All across the land,
Of many different races
Together hand in hand.
United we stand
Divided we fall;
Ready to serve our nation's call

Chorus:

We come from OCS,
We are the very best
Leading with dignity and pride
Wherever we go
We will always know
Our spirit lives forever more,
Loyalty to country,
That's what we all believe;
To Lead, Excel and Overcome,
Is what we must achieve.
Forever strong and valiant,
We'll give our lives and more;
Never ceasing to serve Singapore

Im not panning the song or anything here but i will just mention something... to see my friends pass out bearing proudly the ideals represented by the song is such a heartening thing as their hard work has surely paid off... It is so glad to go there and see that the people from RI that i know are now officers... i feel proud of the fact that i know a few of them but at the same time i think back to the day i made up my mind... not to care about ns and everything... to downgrade and to get away w the least i could do to save my poor pathetic ass from physically taxing training... was it worth it? even now when the talk runs to the army... i feel very left out... i mean who else can i talk to as most people don share the same experiences as me... do they think i actually didn't want to go to CEPSIS or SCO? I only decided to downgrade after i realised that i was not going any of those places but in my heart i was feeling bitter about it... even now the phrase 'doing what real men are doing' reverberates in my mind all the time... (somebody said it and thanks a lot man)... was it the right choice? was it worth it? to feel left out and lonely when obviously i never was able try to roll in the mud or strip rifles after BMT? was it my choice to go where i was posted to? do you not think for once that i also would like to share common experiences? No man is an isalnd and i do not profess to be one... i sometimes take the alternative viewpoint cos i feel the need to bring it up... not necessarily represent it... for there is never one single altruistic perspective... Thus i felt that going to the POP was just to satisfy my own personal curiosity... to go there to learn the meaning of regret... to realise what i have missed... i do not fault medic course or anything or anybody but if i was given a choice to choose i would rather not go there even though it was so slack and i had so much fun... Enough of me for now... let's go on to the bigger picture

looking at those familiar faces ( its hard to recognise them without hair ) i feel a brooding sense of disappointment... im the type who tries to look for sadness in happiness and happiness in sadness... i try to be both hopeful and realistic... looking at the sword recipients... i wonder what if those who left didn't? is the sword devalued by this? I do not intend to downplay anybody's achievements but what is the hallmark of a true SOH? a PSC scholarship or the willingness to sign on? so what were that day's awards for... mere consolation prizes to those who refuse to put their signature on the dotted line? or just those not qualified enough? to the rest of those who were pop-ing... some must have been unable to get into medicine and thus had only ocs to look forward to... does this pop really give a sense of achievement to make up for that which has been lost? JC calls me a spoiler but im being objective and subjective here... what exactly drove them to lead to excel and to overcome? OCS per se or the possibility of going into medicine to be an MO? what exactly is their motivation... is it to lead to excel and to overcome or to disrupt? punish the sin but spare the sinner... thus i do not fault them but their faulty way of thinking... third class of people i will elaborate are those who were from the previous class but by freak accident or old injury were unable to pass out and had to ooc... was going to OCS worth it if you get injured by it? i don mean cuts or bruises but permanent injuries that do not disable you but will remain with you forever till you grow old? was it worth it? i dunno i can't say myself but my mind says its not... the heart disagrees with the mind... maybe this rant here will sort of prove that the SAF was right in not choosing me for any of those things but i stick to my guns... how ironical is this statement...

is it really pleasing to know that in the frontline being an officer your life is at stake? peace and war co-exist for a reason... they define each other thus one cannot be without the other and thus war is inevitable... I do not understand the perverted wisdom that death in any form can be noble... it is still murder... the person who shot the bullet may be the murderer... or the person who sent you there to be shot maybe the murderer... the person who sent the enemy to shoot you can be considered a murderer too... then who exactly murdered who? who is right in war? do these people want their name immortalised in the songs of war a la... we come from ocs we are the very best... is it worth considering an immortalised fame in a band of brothers fictional sense...I do not slam the army here as i have already mentioned y i like the army... it gives me a disciplined framework from which to sort out my life... but that does not mean that i am without criticism... i do not believe my perception is that flawed but i can assure you sometimes i don want to talk about the dreams i have... they are ominous and foreboding... this whole essay may sound familiar to those from my jc class as it is a more polite version of what i had to say last time... i will not dwell on the past as that vitriolic attack was sometimes best forgotten... didn't earn me lots of favors but it was definitely beneficial in terms of learning experience... I now leave you a few poems by Siegfried Sassoon to ponder...

Soldiers are citizens of death's grey land,
Drawing no dividend from time's to-morrows.
In the great hour of destiny they stand,
Each with his feuds, and jealousies, and sorrows.

Soldiers are sworn to action; they must win
Some flaming, fatal climax with their lives.
Soldiers are dreamers; when the guns begin
They think of firelit homes, clean beds, and wives.

I see them in foul dugouts, gnawed by rats,
And in the ruined trenches, lashed with rain.
Dreaming of things they did with balls and bats,
And mocked by hopeless longing to regain
Bank-holidays, and picture shows, and spats,
And going to the office in the train.

I prefer this though for it more thoroughly describes how i feel...

I AM banished from the patient men who fight
They smote my heart to pity, built my pride.
Shoulder to aching shoulder, side by side,
They trudged away from life's broad wealds of light.
Their wrongs were mine; and ever in my sight
They went arrayed in honour. But they died,--
Not one by one: and mutinous I cried

To those who sent them out into the night.
The darkness tells how vainly I have striven
To free them from the pit where they must dwell
In outcast gloom convulsed and jagged and riven
By grappling guns. Love drove me to rebel.
Love drives me back to grope with them through hell;
And in their tortured eyes I stand forgiven.

I do not need anybody to agree with me on anything here as this is my blog and it is my own creative space to grouse about whatever i want... after all live and let live... i know the ocs people will come and find me about this but is shall not care... its my personal take on an issue that has been a sore point since 6 months ago... sigh... time flies to fast for even me to handle...


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