ok i have to edit this post cos i posted it in such a rush that everything does not make any sense. just finished spots CA so now i have time to edit this... so irritated got like 2 questions wrong... sigh.... im going to fail and with atrocious genetics results this post is not going to be very clean.

i have made a new friend today... a person whom i have never had a good impression even until now but this person has made a difference to my life... thanks who you are u are really the best friend i have ever had ( no offense to the rest ) cos you bring a different perspective to my life. after hearing some stuff you had to say which i managed to get it out of you i really have a different perspective of who you are... it has made my impression of you a more complete and fuller person... maybe fatter too...

sigh... im so fat... it was a fear that is fulfilled since the start of medfac... and that of peer pressure will compel me to do something about my size since everybody around was more or less fit even if they are OCTs or Pes Cs... they were Pes C for other reasons i guess...

anyway to more persistent matters... i have been having horrible dreams of late and they are screwing up my moods and life and this is so screwed up... imagining blood being splattered all over the place... its not something nice to write on a blog so trust me you won't want to know what it is except even to me... ever so liberal and tolerant... it is mildly disturbing tho i like the tragic sense of it all... i hate these dreams cos they are very ominous and i hope they do not portend anything to come... some people know the exact nature of my dreams and they are not very impressed by it especially since it involves them like dying in a splatter of blood and brains. the dream has recurred so often im thinking that it is taking a huge toll of my mental health... besides that dream there are other specific instances where i can visualise something in the future and it is not very good not for me cos i either end up on the operating table and the person who is cutting me up obviously didn't put anasthesia for a reason...

talked to some people before spots on phone, icq and in person and i sort of understood their situation cos of the myriad of troubles that we are in now since the stress levels are so high... im quite saddened by the stuff i see going on and it gladdens me to know that i haven't reached that stage yet but i forsee somehing happening quite soon... maybe its time to expand new horizons... i guess i shouldn't cling on so tightly but i feel that a lot of the investment in the friendship has been cemented in more firm substance than in the past. i really dunno but sometimes i really cant bear to change cos change involves so much turmoil and confusion and i might feel uncomfortable and depressed... anyway i must learn to tone down my own bluntness but sometimes being too close to any action makes me emotionally involved even if im not partaking in any action myself... sigh... im too temperemental for my own good.

i feel so sad that im not able to talk to my good friends for a long time... one is stuck in camp while im having my exams. the other is practicing his pianistic skills in prep for his FRSM. other people are busy and i feel a sense of loss... especially on the day of the A level results. I can still remember what happened and the subsequent hysteria and mental breakdown... it was something i will never forget and besides there are also many other reasons that made me sad on that day. to the people who came to my aid thanks now and forever. it only struck me that my medic buddy was retaking his A levels and his results will be released too but it took me like a few days before i realised it and until now i don dare ask him about his results. besides there are other medic friends whom i have advised on their A levels and i haven't asked them yet. i feel so out of touch with my past... sometimes i give the impression that i am very dao but i feel a sense of loss especially when i have the gatherings be it with my bmt or medic people. i do not share the same experiences as them regarding office politics and medical centre nonsense and i feel so out of place... they try to engage me in conversation but usually it doesn't amount to much due to my lack of clinical education which they are so often exposed to. anyway my juniors did well and will be coming to medfac if they pass the interviews.

FCS: sometimes i wish i could talk to you more often... but i don even know if you read my blog... bmt was barely bearable cos you were there to help me even tho i just complained to you only. next time if im free i will visit you at Calf ya... and wherever the rest of the A*STAR people will be...

i want to get a PhD from Harvard Medical School just like my mentor. maybe an MPA will help but anyway im feeling rather down now cos i feel as if i let myself down... maybe i should under promise and over deliver instead of over promise and under deliver... feel so guilty accepting presents from my relatives all the time cos i feel so feted... im only a medical student not a doctor... and the only present i want is just peace...

i really want to die... can somebody kill me? or at least beat me up sigh...


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