it is so rare to find brotherhood these days. to think that one could remain so loyal and committed to an eca even in an unofficial capacity makes me wonder if sometimes the motivations for the things i do are worth it or not... if one can just feel satisfied and fulfilled helping others without resorting to empty titles and ranks wouldn't life be much better? i didn't really like my eca in sec sch and even until now i have quite sparse contacts w those from my eca... they are still friends nevertheless but we hardly see or contact each other... even the seniors are long gone... where are the bond of fellowship that bound us together? i shouldn't be feeling sad at this inevitability of life but it just shows how people r like... they are primarily self-concerned and thus to them things like brotherhood and loyalty are but an unnecessary burden that weighs too heavily upon their shoulders... dependence is anathema... even for me i try my best not to depend on people too much... once bitten twice shy... if only i could be what i admire... they are always there for me to strive towards but somehow it always manages to be See Dust Feel Regret.

a comment that struck a chord... I wish i could be there w u guys playing XX but i had to go home and tutor my XXXXXX... is it not a short term gain at the expense of a long term benefit? next time when i become a parent i can tell you i am going to face a lot of troubles cos my parents take care of almost everything for me... i mean all i do when i go home is plunge into my bed and switch on the air con and thats it... if i want the wind i get the wind... that is my status at home and outside too... but come to think of it i never really enjoyed sharing and the true ideal of real love... real love is to be able to give without restraint and to give love is so much more than to receive love... thus i might be crazy but i have always wanted more responsibility cos sometimes it makes me useful and guys like to be used cos it sort of makes them appreciated and valued... a lot of people will wish to be in my position... don need to shoulder any responsibilities and to have the freedom to enjoy myself

today marks the aniversary of a fateful day... and because of stupid CA i couldn't celebrate the prev friday too but yes this is my resurrection week. dates not exactly clear but i know that this week was the week i lived again cos i died the previous week and this happened one year ago... i have had a torrid 4 weeks starting from the A level Results day until today which marks the end of my broad leave... i never had a destiny in life until this few weeks were over and once this few weeks were over i never regretted every single decision i made cos i never actually bothered to consider the consequences of my actions... just do it then face up to whatever that will come at me later... my dreams shattered, my hopes dashed, before i faced up to life and decided to live again cos the fatal blow struck me and i never recovered from it.


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