I borrowed so many DVDs from my friend that I have only watched 3 out of the 8 that I have borrowed. All the above were completed in a space of 5 hours: 90 min for both Kill Bill and The Quiet American and 110 minutes for The Hours. Today was a day marked by extreme emotions. Not of my choice but yes I have experienced waves as huge as Hawaiian beaches. Throughout the whole morning I was particularly silent. Firstly I woke up on the wrong side of bed. I forgot to unload my bag thus I was lugging a lot of nonsense around. I was tired and exhausted. Lately whatever has happened has affected me deeply as its my first time having what you would call close encounters of the third kind. As you can see from the previous post, I was not exactly pleased by somebody. I am not taking out my problems on anybody so don assume too much. There are somethings that go on behind the scenes that you have no knowledge about so don't think that if I'm angry or pissed it has to be you. Anyway, after this disclaimer I will have to say that I apologize for whatever misinformation that has been caused, I'm sorry about it. Thus today whatever I have to say will be a long and nagging post. Bear with me please.

Depression. I think I have officially descended into it. I have been feeling so listless and lifeless for the past few days. Even the normal stuff I do makes me unhappy. The happy stuff I do makes me even more unhappy. Unhappy that I feel happy. I don't really know why but I'm definitely not myself today nor yesterday nor the day before. I feel that I have lost all meaning to life. I look in the mirror and I see a huge shadow of sadness. Call it the doom and gloom syndrome. I have a spare tyre. I look like shit. I just look as if I came out of the slum. An uncultured babarian. My wallet is empty. I have no friends. I feel no love. I have no pain. I am an emotionless insensitive bastard that like what some narrator says in Kill Bill. I live to kill. I have no emotions, sensations, feelings, sensitivity, hope, courage, virtues, morals, ethics, love, money etc. Whatever you name it, I don have it. Except maybe stupidity and fat. That's all I have. Laugh if you want. But its true.

Kill Bill: I love it. Plhu : can you do me a favor and find out for me how much a Japanese Samurai Sword costs when you go to Japan? I would like to own a few of those shiny sticks to display in my house. Its become of an obsession after watching Kill Bill, The Last Samurai, Zatoichi, and Akiro Kurosawa Classics. As mentioned above, I feel like killing people. I am serious. If some people remember correctly, I have had a few dreams where I live my fantastical life out as some crazy Hitler-like character, killing everybody I know. For males its either a shot through the mouth or I can playing with kitchen knives or a slit of the throat. For females I'm more kind. Poisoned Tea, A long piece of Cloth or a cyanide pill. I love Uma Thurman. She is like Kali re-incarnate. I shall take up sword-fighting or wushu when FRS and HRM is over. Its fun. The show essentially describes revenge and vengeance is what im out for. I'm quite magnanimous. I only blow up at small things not big things. Cos the small things usually describe the strength of your character. I don keep grudges, I remember incidents. And if such things form a repeating trend, I will show no mercy. Somebody can attest to that. hypocrisy is not my favourite subject, not least when ur trying to be friendly.

The Hours: Nicole Kidman looks as glorious with a fake nose, her beauty is chilling. Ice Queen. I like that. She is so DAO. Like me. I am Dao and i don fake it. I don see the need to put on a glorious happy and smiling face when i'm not happy and happiness is a rare thing in my life. Her crazed lunacy is so wondrous in contrasting her with her immense talent. It such a nice show to see 3 great actresses, Julianne Moore, Nicole Kidman and Meryl Streep together. I find such a comfort in this show that showcases the insanity and doomed nature of genius, the depression and boredom of life and the hopelessness and futility of friendships. It describes my life. A whole load of sham and shit. Maybe you are right. I can curse till a sailor blushes but let's put it this way. If anybody had to live my life, they will never be happy. I have never had a birthday party, nor has my mom baked me cookies or cakes. I cannot go out to the playgroud to play despite asking for permission. I sustain myself on a daily allowance that is only given when i GO to School. This means in the holidays i have effectively zero. So don keep on asking why i don't eat or anything. I don have that much money to spend contrary to everybody's expectations. I can't even play normal comp games on my comp unlike people who play things like battlefield, call of duty, medal of honor, knight of the old republic etc. I have enough work and trouble on my hand such that i can't even enjoy a good movie show or anime. Look i am a fan of cartoons, but i have no time. If you think I'm going to get a car, NO. I am sick of penny pinching already and that is what i have been doing for my whole life. Why can't i simply spend without thinking about how much i'm spending? Fuck it.

The Quiet American: The quinessential reason why i prefer fiction to sci-fi. its more steeped in realism. I have read the book by Graham Greene and its a superb portrayal of the word betrayal. That is what is happening to me now. I am being betrayed. By who? None other than Yours truly. I have betrayed myself and i am punishing myself for it. I have lost it totally. I don't know if this is a holiday thing but i have lost it. Lost IT!!! I am now typing like some stupid mand fuck venting all my frustration inside of me. When i am really angry I don't talk. I don't even talk to anybody, even though i should and after reading some people's secret blogs, i should have called them to be friendly but i didn't thats like so unlike me. I have always treasured my friends and i will always do but sometimes i resemble michael Caine. I cannot lose certain things because that will be the end of me. It will ignite the beginning of the end. I'm terribly sorry to allow my readers to see this but I'm not shmeen not qich. I cant gush on my blog. Its not me. I'm not funny nor popular. Look i have absolutely no friends. I have been betrayed. get the big picture. now i am left only with my beloved Prada, after all I LOVE PRADA.

Swimming : was reading a book today on swimming when i was in the library and i realised that whatever swimming that i have done so far is as good as useless cos i should be swimming a lot faster than what i am now if i'm to achieve the cardiovascular benefits associated with proper exercise. What a depressing start to the day. Fitness wise, i'm as unfit as ever. Most probably the 1 kg i have lost is just machine error. Self-pity here but i don't think i can lose anymore weight. I think i'm going schizophrenic but i shall continue with whatever i'm doind cos it takes my mind of other more pressing and impertinent issues. the pain that exercise generates releases and endorphin shower and it make me a lot happier after that. I am punishing myself. Cos its the only way i can inflict pain on myself but leave me alone. Its not my main reason for hitting the gym or the swimming pool or the road but it certainly is a huge motivation/

Lunch : i had a fabulous lunch today that consisted of air and anger. Terribly tense and filling, atmospherically speaking. I don give a damn if you think i have weird eating habits but I have the ability to control my hunger at will and i don get gastric so leave it. you have good genes so leave it as well. As what O-Ren Ishii says to the rest of the clan leaders after killing Tanaka in Kill Bill Vol. 1, I am open to discussion and argument over a lot of issues except a few, of which this is one of the few. If i don't feel hungry, it maybe because i had a late breakfast or i simply don feel hungry. i am big enough to take care of myself Gor gor but i appreciate and don't appreciate your concern. This is because I'm in 2 minds now. and im suffering from vertigo. so stay clear on such issues. Don't be a nag. i hate nags. Who else nags in my family? Not me. And stop taking up old issues with me on whatever i have posted before. Everything i post is subject to mood and timing

Vertigo is a false sensation of motion or spinning that leads to dizziness and discomfort. Vertigo is not the same sensation as light-headedness. People with this condition feel as though they are actually spinning or moving, or that the environment itself is spinning. vertigo sucks doesn't it? its quite irritating. I am experiencing vertigo now these past few days. where is hanzo hattori when i need him?

you know who you are and i told you to stop it and you simplty ignited it. To quote michael Caine from the quiet american. I know this is the time to behave badly and i will very consciously and obviously do so because i refuse to restrain myself anymore. I choose to shorten my long fuse so that it will regenerate and grow longer again. I am angry and i do not hide it. I have said whatever i want to say or have to say in the above entries so thats it. I am doing this because of the growing friction between the both of us. I don't know why but i guess its primarily me that is generating the friction but i subconsciously think i have figured out the reason for this but we must stay away from each other for a while until i'm ready to accept whatever i cannot accept at the moment. It is very hard for me to do this but i must and i will cos if i don't settle this issue with myself, i will not be a good friend to you so i beg of you, GET ANGRY WITH ME AND STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know where to find me if you want to know the answer. To put it simply, I know the answer a long time ago just that i haven't accepted it. I need time.

Library & Gaudi: i was in the library today and i read a book on Gaudi, the master of architecture in barcelona. he is a genius, that's all i can say. So is matisse, picasso, van gogh, IM Pei, Frank Lloyd Wright, Chanel, Versace and so many other artists of the century ago. I have also decided to read the following books when i get more space on my card, which has been maxed out borrowing watercolouring books and fitness stuff. Christopher Isherwood's Berlin Stories. Isak Dinesen's Out of Africa. Primo Levi's Periodic Table and Andre Dubus III's The house of Sand and Fog. there are also so many books to read that i haven't read yet. Now i can't really remember them butt amongst them are Marcel Proust, Sophoceles, Euripedes, Phillip K Dick, Anton Chekov, Pushkin, The Rubiayat of Omar Khayam, Anna Akhtmatova, Kafka, Trollope, Woolf, Neruda and so many other giants of world literature. But first of all, let me finish the most triumphant expression of my catholic faith not that im being religious here but its just so happen's that i must finish the Divine Comedy by Dante Aligheri. I'm still stuck at Inferno. Wonder why. maybe I'm destined for it. Thats why i love the immortal phrase. Abandon all hope, ye who enter. (the gates of hell)

I was visiting seiyu bugis a few days ago and i saw this baseball t-shirt going for 13 bucks, its has 2 designs, 1 has blue vertical stripes and 1 has red vertical stripes and both designs have a white background. I don't know which to choose or buy but its a huge discount from the $30 it used to cost a few months ago. I bought a t-shirt from there at 13 already and i am still pondering to see what will come of it. I am delaying my decision in the hope that somebody will but the shirt before me and relieve me of my decision. I know that i have more than enough clothes but its the only joy in my life and a perogative i choose to exercise even though i get a lot of flak for it. I am that willing to wait for the price to drop so much. Great Singapore Sale Coming soon but then I'll b out of town so sigh. Anyway I'm waiting for the next warehouse sale. hopefullu spring Summer collections stuff are going to be thrown out soon. Updating my wardrobe as usual. I just keep all my new clothes away as i'm not done with the old ones yet and they are many.

Satisfaction. I want to know what satisfaction is. I have never been satisfied with life nor whatever i have. I have been blogging for the past 2 hours on this extremely long post that most probably constitutes my longest work to date since Reflections on OCS POP but i can tell you that I am usually deeply affected by movies as they usually bring across a part of life that i miss and deeply wish that i could choose to go back in time to relive it. I missed the Singapore Film Festival and today had a nice show from the french called nathalie X. it talks about this middle aged couple. The wife realises that the husband is coming home late thus she suspects an affair and she hires a prostitute called nathalie who is played by the GORGEOUS Emmanuelle Beart, who then brings in a part of the seedy french counter culture into the family. The french and very weird themes for film exploration and they take you on such journeys that always leave you pondering if everything is as superficial and simple as it is played out on holywood. At the esplanade the other day, I saw book by the title, Fellini on Fellini. I think i shall go borrow Fellini's La dolce Vita and 8 1/2 and i should also watch franco Zeffirelli's movies. And any film noir classics or those old influential french hits like anything with th cult actor Alain Delon.

I'm terribly sorry that this should take so long. It has been so tiring for me to type this out non-stop. I want A samurai sword, so that i can kill. To a certain somebody. Sorry for minding your business. I apologise. don make me seem so obvious on your post... you is not going to like it.


|