Was looking at lard lad's latest prolific contribution to the scum blog before it made me wonder, are we all that scummy? I guess to a certain extent cos maybe instead of being crappy and unwanted we are just shy i guess. I dunno how to put it but there are times when its so hard to tell the person you like the truth when you know that its not going to work out, so you instead pretend, pretend not to like or scold even cos the fear of rejection maybe too hard to handle.

Anyway, my blogposts have been of very low quality recently cos i have been doing so many shallow things that i have no time to go into some deep reflection of life as it is now. So now i shall do some commenting on whatever that i feel so far. Lately, i could say that i have been enforcing on myself 2 months of escapism cos sometimes i prefer to escape into other worlds as its much happier and less taxing to actually bother to solve and address certain issues. You could say that i was living on dope by my escapist lifestyle as i couldn't really confront the reality that stares right in front of my face. Shopping, eating and having fun totally makes me intoxicated so i am unable to face up to whatever issues that bother me at present and this makes my life so much more bearable. Its definitely not domestic as domestic skies are typically hazy, with occassional sunny days and rainy days. Everybody is under a lot of stress. I am trying to escape from myself. I dunno why i say this but yes, i am trying to escape from myself. It is now too hard to actually accept the person who i am cos i am so different. Looking at myself in the mirror it doesn't look the same anymore. I look sadder, older, aged, angry, disillusioned. Of course i fear the mirror shattering into pieces and i do not want to know what has caused all these frustration within me. I should actively solve the problem as somebody says. But how? If i can't even accept myself how am i going to solve the problem that resides within? Its not so much another self-image crisis although i am TOO FAT according to most people whom i have spoken. My weight is ballooning and i am TOO FAT. I will deal on this issue later after addressing the previous one first. You could ask those people who knew me in RI though i would say very few of them are now in medfac be it from my Sec 1 & 2 class or my Sec 3 & 4 classmates. JC however there are quite a few but i will talk about JC later. But yes, i am so different now. Its startling and shocking and destabilising. I dunno if my core self is still present after all the multitude of changes and whether i know who i am now. Just take the FAT Issue as an example and there you have it. A perfect example of the change in me which is scary. I dunno who i am anymore, i am lost in my own world, the world which im continuously fluxing and always changing... Will the Real Slim Shady Pleas stand up? Well, i would say that i resemble tucker more than anything else, a chimera. I dunno which is part of me is my real self and which part of me was taken from the various influences like friends, movies, books, situations etc. that are around me. I no longer recognise my own soul as being uniquely my own. I am lost in this endless world of chasing ghosts of the past. Why do i so pursue them when they haunt me ever so often? Cos i want to know what i was like back in the past, i want to know what was me, what i was, what is the meaning of being me and why did i do so. Not that i regret the changes that have occurred but i do not know my essence anymore. I have no idea what i was like anymore. I know i was of disrepute in the past but i dunno what it was and what it meant to me to be something like this. I guess its the Villan syndrome, ie. I love being the villan, hated by all and nobody likes me. It this sort of tragi-comic character which im love most. But now i don't even know what i am anymore. I frequently hop from character to character, being the vengeful angel one day to the snarling beast on another. I could be whatever i want to be and that is very scary. I guess i need to turn to the Lord for more advice and soul-searching. I am so lost and so depressed over the current state of things that i am unable to face up to the reality. I guess it will take a million years before i can actually get comfortable in my new skin or skins before i can progress onto other things. Maybe i should take the advice which i was debating with charles the other day in london. Problems will always continually arise and you should never delay anything that you need to do cos there will only be more problems to stop you. The context was different but the intrinsic meaning the same. I guess its time to walk.

I am fat. I know most of you condemn my dietary habits to the deepest level of hell and i never fail to get by a single day without hearing the same old story about how i should do this and do that instead of doing this and doing that. Well, look, Im not going to change anything cos it works. and im still fat and don't worry, i have managed to resume normal dietary habits without gaining back whatever i have lost so don't worry. This is only a temporary short gap measure to shock my body into extreme conditions. It won't be for life. And yes, i do eat in moderation. And yes i am exercising... in case you didn't know that already. I shall resume my more vigorous exercise plan when school starts as im not taking a short time out to recharge myself. I am so shallow considering my primal instincts of exercising. Sigh... what happened to the person i used to know as me?

I don't really like to say this but i have to admit that there are sometimes where you don't really agree with your friends motivations for doing certain things and as much as i can appreciate their honesty with me, i can't really reciprocate cos i have absolutely different concepts and values that differ totally with theirs that i feel terribly awkward to share. In fact, im beginning to wonder their motivations are misguided. But maybe its related with the issues above. My heart is not in sync with my mind.

Anyway onto more shallow issues, i need a new wallet. I have decided to retire my LV one. Can anybody recommend any wallet or shops to shop for wallet other than wallet shop? I have decided to start a new hobby and i have got an ART FRIEND CARD! Can borrow if you need to. I am so sorry that I was busy yesterday, I shall not offer any excuses for my absence other that i am terribly sorry for not supporting you. will pass you your stuff on Friday itself. There is a limited edition free gift. 

Don't worry so much about me after reading my post. I have bounced back from greater heights of misery and rage and despair since i was born so this is merely a ripple on the pond of life. Life is Great as i know it, just that i need an outlet for the occassional pent up frustration. I think an apology is in store for my foul words the other time. I am terribly sorry. Its just... sigh. I hope you will accept my explanation and let's continue being friends if you don't mind. Sometimes i am too rash for my own good. But nevermind, there is always a better tomorrow for everybody.




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