Enil: You're right. I am more pacifist now. I don't fight back the way i used to in the past. I take and absorb all blows until my patience reaches its limit. I am now very forgiving, very reticent and very unwilling to talk. all these is with reference to the past. I don't know where is the fire of youth. why am i now so dead, so exhausted. I don't seem to have a reason to rebel anymore, not that i am a rebel with reason. I don't have the spirit to propel myself onward. I am lacking, in passion and fire. I do not stride but walk now. I do not walk w my head up but down now. I don't know y. I seem laden with the weight of the world. I can't afford to be the carefree person i was before. If only i could relive the words xiao1 yao2 zi4 zai4. I want to sleep. i want to rest. I want the weight on my shoulders to be unloaded. I want to carry on with life. I want to live a life worth living, not something where i sacrifice my dreams for nothing. Y do i indulge in so much retail therapy? Cos i need it. I need a source of solace. I need to run away. From what? I don't know. I don't want to know. I just had enough of it. maybe one day i will know. For now let the night claim my soul.

I am just a little bit disappointed with life now. Not that my life is boring or placcid. But i just feel the transient nature of life. Maybe im going philosophical here, maybe i will sound stupid. Is it that hard to find true happiness? I don't know. I have been wandering in the stars... lost in my various obsessions for many a time. it sort of was rekindled. Although RB will kill me here but yes... i like shopping for clothes. Even though i have alot... i still buy? why? i don't know. It just pleases me so. It makes me escape. Something like everytime i buy something new, i take on a new persona. I essentially run away from myself. Maybe its just cumulative disappointment. I don't know. I feel the loss of identity within myself. I am still trying to search for it. But i never seem to be able to find it no matter what i do nor where i search. I am at an exasperated resignation

Was talking to my old enemy on sunday. Funny right. Just a few years ago we were about to chop each others head's off. Now was talking to him and i think i have found a new comrade. Actually, i don't know. We have been going out alot together with 2 other old pals and we somehow manage to connect much better. You could say its the maturity syndrome. When i was in JC, i thought myself sky high. and frowned upon his innocence. Now after my tumbling from my pedestal and his naivete being swept away by circumstance, we can now face each other with a more realistic and tolerant picture of each other. I don't know what to say. Is it pity? I didn't want him to come to medical school in a very sarcastic letter of infamy which i lashed out verbally using my skills of the past. Now i feel and empathise with his pain. I wish tt he could join us in med school. I don't know la. Enough problems plague me already.

To my web readers: Look. When i get angry at people on my blog, which is a bit frequent of late, don't go around finding the culprit of my unhappiness if i don't choose to name that person. I don't like it when Belle was asked by somebody whether she pissed me off. The person who made me angry knows it. I just don't reveal names unnecessarily. Just understand that i am angry and maybe leave it. I don't like you casting doubts in between my friendships. As in i don't want any potential misunderstanding btw me and belle over this 'supposed' conflict. Get it?

Anyway, i am running for medsoc treasurer. So if you do think i am capable enough, pls vote for me thanks. I don't know if i have any competition though but still vote thanks. Will appreciate it very much especially you RB. I can always count on your support. my big 'bro'...

victor: you know.. i will never stop finding myself fat so thanks for the compliment. And i understand your stand about a certain somebody. Will improve on it. i sort of got it when i was on the bus just now.

today was such a bad day. when you miss a good opportunity, it will never come back. Sigh. I dunno la, maybe it was meant to be that i couldn't buy whatever i wanted to buy cos i made a promise to myself not to overspend this week. And now its gone when i have enough dough to get it.

RB: Exactly. I will focus on other aspects of my life now... going to do other things that do not put such a huge stress on my patience level. live and let live... You know, i have made a promise to myself to be more firm w people cos i realise that i let myself be pushed around too much. live and let live seems like a joke now. I know what you mean by physical limitations but that comment was one of such insulting magnitude that until today i hardly speak to that person cos i see in in revulsion. I refuse to have a high opinion of him. Make it a grudge. Cross me in that respect and you sort of die. I am not ashamed of my keloid and surgical scars, just that i have very few sandals and berms so i hardly wear them. And i don't like getting my feet wet if it rains. ok, i don't whine about it at all what. I don't like being a burden. I don't like being pitied or taken care of. I don't like being on the receiving end. why so? Cos i feel inferior, incapable. after all, to give is better than to receive. took me sometime to realise that but yes, i now know how my relatives feel when they give me presents. Its actually a nice feeling to see the look of happiness on others faces when they receive a present. It warms the heart on a cold winter's night. It makes life more bearable that others do care about you and others do think about you. You're not alone in this world. Such a nice tot.

carcinogen: Thanks for asking about my leg. Its ok as long as i don't stress it and it doesn't rain. Though i get funny feelings sometimes. haha



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