I can't help realising that i am quite contented lately. More at peace with myself and with others. I don't yearn for as much as i used to and now if i see something i like, i could just not buy it and walk away feeling happier. In the past, i would definitely buy it immediately. Now i am more contented. I mean, i still have many wants but they are mainly unpractical. Like, what do i need a pair of sunglasses for?

I also have become a lot happier and more carefree once i developed the heck care attitude to life. If it comes it comes. If it happens it happens. One cannot rush into things. Maybe it just a decrease in initiative or a reduction in pro-activeness but i wouldn't classify it as laziness. I have different priorities now. One of which is to do the things i like and not the things that i feel i should do.

I used to do things for the sake of doing them. Like racking a massive number of CCA points in JC ( 28/29 not too sure ) just to look good. Well, let's put it that i enjoyed maybe half of them and the other half were just to be done for doing like community service. Well, i didn't help out at old folks home but i opted for the easy way out, go orchard library and rack up hours sorting books. I participated in competitions just to get points and in so doing depriving others. The list goes on.

I guess i don't have the determination to do many things at one go. But when i am determined, i usually get my way. I don't know how to put it but when i wanted something, i usually got it. This determination is very hard to muster because it involves a concerted effort from my whole being in order to do it. Any slight of half-heartedness will cause ruin to well made plans. I usually had one concerted effort a year and i guess that was all i could do before i ran out of strength and perseverance.

So now in medfac i am facing the same situation as in JC2. Tons of distractions. Thus i don't know what to focus on. In a way i am being excessively stretched. Sometimes i wish i could multitask better but it seems impossible. I hate this restlessness in me. This horrible entrapment of youth. Which seeks to tear me from my comfort zone and throw me into unfriendly and unsure territory. Sure. I might relish a challenge but i don't know what i am doing. You like to be in a war zone all the time?

I don't know why and what is making me do what i am doing but it seems that i have 2 separate hemispheres working on their own. Heart and mind conflict most of the time. And when i follow my heart, mind keeps on nagging and scolding. When i follow my mind, heart feels empty and insoncolable. I just wish that i would have a guiding light and maybe help restore some discipline and balance to this wanderlust of mine. being on a slippery slope is not safe.

Maybe its what you would call a pre-adulthood crisis, where i am confronted with all of my childhood baggage and forced to throw them away and keep only the more useful and pertinent ones that will accompany me for the next 10 years. I can't help feel that maybe its better to remain as a child. Not that i am an innocent child but responsibilities sometimes leave a bitter aftertaste. And you have to learn from it, you cannot afford to make the same mistake, nor harken for the past

In short, I wish everything could be perfect again. But it can't and never will be. Let me run away for a while. Run away to a place where i will feel safe and beloved. Run away to some shangrila where i can not be troubled. My room will be without mirrors and there will not be harsh words and unpleasant emotions and disagreeable expressions. I just want to snuggle up in my bed and not venture beyond the warmth confines of my blanket. For the world is a cold and cruel place.


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