This year has been a watershed one for me. After all, I became an adult legally and also it is a year where you can say was rather prophetic. I heard somebody say that how you spend your new year's eve is a sign of the coming year for you. I had a really busy new year's eve last year. Had my first party, had also my first fallout and I would say I have never ever felt so emotionally turmoiled before this year. It was a year marked with many joys and sorrows, and its from these that i learnt a lot about life and how to let go. And also, I learnt the duality of humankind.


When I was in M1, there was this reference book in the library about foreign quotations and one of its quotations about friendship was that you should beware your friend for he is the worst foe you could have. It was also written in a more literary and pleasant manner as compared to the literal meaning as expounded here. And also, I felt for once the meaning of a friend in need is a friend indeed. And also, I also begin to think back on those times. Were they actually worth the trouble for? Actually no. I think maybe I should listen to derrick more, his guidance is rather invaluable.


But that being said, when there is a pitchfork on the road, and the highway takes on 2 different exits, i guess not everybody is going to take the same route, if not why would there the road less trodden? Stereotypes maybe stereotypes, but undoubtedly they are self-fulfilling prophecies. To revisit your own secondary school times to figure out what went right and wrong has rather devastating consequences as when you drag out the old you, it still rings harshly to many a ear. It did work didn't it this experiment. It got me what i wanted, which in hindsight, no i don't want it anymore. It didn't get me the whole package deal though, just an experiment gone awry.


It however changed many settings, rendering them irreversible. I was wondering if the fault lay with others, but now when i look back, I guess most of it came from me. No excuses here but I would still ascribe some fault to others which I would attribute the fault to a action and consequence relationship. Which led on to further deterioration. People change too, they take different paths but somehow some end up still heading to the same destination, others start from the same destination and never meet again. A sad end it maybe, but I would say it might be better to part as friends and bury the friendship.


So maybe I was wrong, to think of myself and to alienate others. And also wrong in thinking too much for others and not for oneself. Ironic isn't it, that I am both selfish and generous at the same time. Isn't it easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend? So how am I going to forgive myself before I can start forgiving others? Is it so hard to stand by another person and not be able to do what one wants to do out of loyalty? I know i can't. I am not the best friend on earth. if A & B have some misunderstanding, I will not support A even if A is my best friend as I would prefer to be neutral and encourage everybody to get along. But that's my perspective but would A feel the same way? Maybe A does not want to get along. Maybe A just wants me to side him even if its unreasonable or even if its wrong. A might just want loyalty, not judgement and appeasement. But am I willing to be politically incorrect just to be loyal?


I guess that's what troubling me over christmas, besides the usual family squabbles and nonsense i get from my parents. A wish I got when I tried out my experiment at the beginning of this year. Now it has come to a full cycle and history is repeating itself. I am having mixed feelings about this as I need to remove the parts that don't work and cause more harm than good and what is going to come from this? I think i get affected too easily and run away too easily too. I don't know how to balance things now. Look look, its all I's everywhere. Am I being too self-centred again? Maybe I should consider a peaceful new year's eve this year. But then I won't be brave for the brave may only live a short while but the cautious do not live at all. And this coming year shall be courage and love.

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.
~ Voltaire

Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache; do be my enemy for friendship's sake.
~ William Blake


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