latte: I am sorry, I can't do it. I cannot write anything happy

I have been considering very very dark thoughts lately. Its not nice when suicide filters into your mind again after so long. Its been 6 years really, but then again, a relapse is always possible. Nightmares abound and I can't stop them. Its not that I am scared of my own nightmares, but I am afraid of what happens in them. They have an eerily predilection for coming true, especially those reality based nightmares. There are those chopping up people nightmares though.

Its been a torrential week. I can't help but wonder if sometimes life kind of sucks really. Because of this week, my chinese new year clothes are sold out and i can't find anything suitable to replace it. And thus I have nothing to wear this new year although anything old is relatively new since i think my relatives have yet to see me wear it before. Let's just pray something new comes along that i can afford and catches my eye.

Anyway, I haven't figured it out really. I am so busy that it has become really hard for me to even sit down and think straight. I have COFM all the time and all the way it makes me sick actually. I haven't even settled my new year resolutions. Sigh.

I am still trying to look back. It is quite hard to identify it really. In fact, 6 months ago, i sort of felt that there was already something subtly wrong about me already just that i couldn't place a finger to it. But now, i know that there is something wrong and its not helping that I have no time to myself.

I seriously think its a rough patch. But I will get out of it. I promise myself I will do so. Somethings went up to my head and refused to come down. And down it shall.


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